LUIGITV
by luigi-is-stellar
Summary: What happens when the lesser glorified of the Mario Bros Team gets to set all the records straight as he hosts his own... shall we say bizarre talk show?...what, you think you don't have to read it or somethin?


_Hey everyone, I'm back with a parody of sorts, just having a little fun in dedication to fellow fanfic writer Luigi Rules 512, who keeps me rolling around in stitches at her humor stints! They're a hilarious read if you haven't already  
Anyway, on with the show! Hope she- and you- enjoy it!_

A little ditty called...

**LUIGITV**

Luigi: We have a great lineup of guests for you fans here tonight, and on that note I'd like to let everyone know that Mario wet the bed until he was 13, and now settles for peeing in the shower.

Mario: SLANDER!

Luigi: Would somebody remove that rowdy audience member from the building?

Mario: (_Getting dragged away) _LUIGI! You promiiiiiissssedddd-

Luigi: Moving on, I'd like to thank writer/producer of the show Michelle for getting me not only my own talk show, but my own channel which we like to call LuigiTV- or the Green tube. 24/7 nonstop play of my most successful moments, Luigi biography, Luigi top 10 spots to eat in the Mushroom Kingdom, Luigi Room layouts, Luigi DESKTOP THEMES, Luigi BACKPACKS, Luigi Hat Hair style products, a Luigi theme PASTA so you can FEED your KIDS my FACE-

Audience: O.O

Luigi: Yes, Luigi everything. This is my channel and not even CLOSE to anyone else's. Except maybe Waluigi, who kind of has my name besides the Wa part. Moseying on into our show, we have special guest, DK, or Donkey Kong...Kong? Is that really how it's spelt? Ok. King of the Jungle. Which jungle I'm not quite sure of. Anyway, a round of applause!

DK: _(Crawls in) _Thank you, thank you. Thanks for having me, Luigi.

Luigi: _(Wrinkling his nose) _Oh... oh my God, what is that putrid scent? (_Glares at DK) _And what is tha...that BROWN MATTER tangled into your fur?!

DK: _(Shifty eyes) _Chocolate.

Luigi: (_Skeptically) _You're telling me that stuff. That brown, smelly, evidently not edible matter is chocolate.

DK: That's what Diddy told me.

Luigi: Alright. (_Impatient) _Ok, it's chocolate. Now, you have a new game out on the Wii.

DK: Um... Actually, no I don't- I thought I wasn't on the Wii at all yet!

Luigi: Oh yeah, bongos, gamecube. Whatever- alright I'm just trying to distract myself- I am ENTIRELY NOT convinced that- that MATTER is chocolate. I'm uncomfortable. Please, prove it.

DK: Well how am I supposed to convice you? It's not _my_ fault!

Luigi: I beg to differ. I don't know but it's really bothering me, and I'm pretty sure that that's crap. (_Sits back and away from DK, raising a fist to his mouth)_ So I need you to confirm it otherwise, or I'm going to throw up.

DK: Fine, whatever. _(Eats some.)_

Luigi: _And_ I'm going to throw up.

Diddy: _(In audience_) THAT'S FOR STANDING ME UP TO GO OUT WITH THAT TRAMP CANDY KONG LAST FRIDAY!

DK: DIDDY WAIT! I CAN EXPLAIN!

Luigi: Yes by ALL MEANS, please leave! _(Watches the two monkeys flee the building) _And on that slightly uncomfortable, hinting-at-homoeroticism moment, I'd like to clarify that I am in fact uninterested in Prince Peasley in that way. He _is _green, which I must admit is pretty cool, but that's about it. And I'd like to ask fans to refrain from sending me illustrated pictures of myself with said individual in compromising situations and engagements... I haven't slept in four days courtesy of them. And Daisy hasn't called me since the last letter I got hinting at that so, uh, Daisy, if you're watching, my cellphone is on...

_A long moment of silence_

Luigi: ...aaaanytime now. (_Pause) _O...k. I'm not hearing my phone ring, so I am safe to assume that she is in fact not tuned in. Perhaps my letters were lost in the mail- ANYway, lets move on to our next guest, shall we? The demented, obsessed writer of my show has demanded a spot. Lets have a round of applause for Michelle.

Me: Gee...thanks for the pristine intro, Weege.

Luigi: Anytime. Now, I have you on this show today because your loved ones have told me you have a problem.

Me: Wait... _Looks around incredulously_ Ex...cuse me? This isn't in the script, this isn't even on a rough draft-

Luigi: This is an intervention. A surprise intervention here on my show tonight-

Audience: Oooooo_OOOOHHHH!!!_

Me: Oh _no_ it's not-

Luigi: Give it up for Michelle's best friend and confidant, Byron! ...whoever he is.

Byron: Thanks for having me, Luigi.

Luigi: Yeah whatever pal. Lets hear it from you. Why have you asked to come on the show today for this intervention?

Byron: (_Sniff_) It just started out with weekly visits to Buzzonjons Gamer outlet. She saw Luigi's Mansion for sale-

Luigi: Great game, by the way, folks. Yours now for only-

Byron: As I was saying... the gamecube came in, common sense went out. She once came to my home dressed in a shirt she made herself. With YOU on it. It said Mr Lean green and Mean. She was wearing Mario & Luigi earrings-

Me: They're cute earrings!!!

Luigi: And also come with a charming bracelet to match on my new shopathon, only on LuigiTV-

Byron: She started wearing a fake moustache!!!

Me: That's a lie!

Luigi: It _is_ a lie. She grows her own.

Me: _(Sarcastically_) _Thank_ you.

Luigi: Alright, not a problem. Byron, are there any other issues you'd like to raise a concern with?

Byron: YES. Sonic. Sonic the Hedgehog! Sometimes she imitates characters-

Me: I resent that. YOU wanted to be Dr. Eggman, you wanted to BE him! Not me!

Byron: It was one Halloween! I was drunk!

Luigi: SHUT UP!! You're both seemingly wrought with torment and issues regarding the gamecube! But Michelle, this is about you! This is about you, your Luigi earrings, your moustache, your habits.

Michelle: I have no issues. I'M NORMAL! I'm every Nintendo fan out there!!! I have no tattoos! And I _don't _have a MOUSTACHE!

Byron: You do have a moustache! And you'd have a tattoo, if you weren't scared of needles!

Luigi: Me too. I've only got ONE tattoo. It's, um, actually in a pretty discrediting spot-

Byron: ENOUGH! You're doing nothing but encouraging her habits!

Me: SIGN MY VINTAGE LUIGI STOMPING KOOPA CIRCA 1990 LUNCH BOX-

Luigi: Michelle, you have a problem. And I'm here to fix it.

Me: Well, you have no proof. But if you think you need to, you know, stay at my place for a bit, see how I'm doing... I mean I do get lonely at night. Er- or, whatever you like, you don't have to leave. I don't care. Unless you _try _to leave-

Luigi: Alright. Creeped out in a bad way here. Michelle, is it true that you did in fact drive through a McDonalds drive thru, posing as Knuckles the Echidna?

Me: That was ONCE-

Luigi: Have you thought up more than one scenario in the Mushroom Kingdom with you in place of myself?

Me: Wellll..._eyes getting crazy_ not _that _often-

Luigi: AND DO you in fact cruise by innocent pedestrians, driving with ONE hand on the wheel illegally, windows rolled down to proudly establish that you are in fact listening to Yoshi's theme from SSBM?

Me: I-It was a _joke_! W-we were ALL doing it-

Luigi: _sarcastically_ INDEED. And I suppose that makes it 'cool', and 'ok'. Now, the final question, the ultimate blow to the all-mighty high of fandom- do you engage yourself in the writing of Luigi fan fiction?

Me: Erm... I guess this kind of IS, a Luigi fan fiction... don't you think:S

Luigi: Michelle... I'm afraid I'm going to have to confiscate your nintendo gamecube.

Me: _crazy _You think you can take me on? I CONTROL YOU HERE!

Luigi: No you don't. _Nabs gamecube_

Me: _Sobbing, held back by security _YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I'M A FAITHFUL NINTENDO CUSTOMER!

Byron: Don't forget the other systems. She WILL revert!

Luigi: AND the Super NES. AND regular NES. AND N64...

Me: NOOOO, noooo, my gaming world spiraling down into a whirlwind of despaaaiiiirrrr...

Luigi: And you've also been blacklisted in commercial stores. You'll not be getting a Wii any time soon. What a successful intervention!

Me: You'll NEVER TAKE MY EBAY ACCOUNT! Byron... you better lock your door tonight!

Byron: O.O

Luigi: Aww, only good friends know how to dish up a truly frightening threat! And now it's time for a break!

Waluigi: No it's not. You just saw me coming over here! When do I come on the TV?

Luigi: WHO LET HIM OUT OF HIS CAGE? BACK! BACK!!! _(Tazer)_

Waluigi: OH, THE HORRIBLE PAIN- I can't feel my LEGS!

Luigi: Ehehe! _(Glancing nervously at camera) _We'll be right back. (_Annoyed as the camera keeps rolling)_

Waluigi: I FEEL LIKE I'M BURNING ON THE INSIDE!

Luigi: TURN THAT OFF before you leak enough evidence for a lawsuit!!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!

_[Luigi's A-Grade pawn shop! A as in hot off the market... as in other people's lawns. But what's theirs is yours, and what we reap (completely of consent by the individuals we rob- I mean, receive generous donations from... in the night... when they're all tucked away neatly in their beds as we take advantage of their bountiful yards... we've decided that two snores means yes.) __Anyway, come on down! Buy straight from a strangers lawn, or come buy your stuff back! We won't tell the police if you won't! (Remember, we know where you live...we've been there.) I'm Luigi! Do you know who I am? I'm very powerful... I state this because I can and will hurt you if you report me. I will tell Mario.)  
__-Luigi, it's time for this commercial to end-  
__I'LL REAP AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!  
__-Pawnshop no lawsuits we'll find you BYE!_

_[That'll be it for the mo'! Love it? Confused as hell? Let me know in an R&R :) _


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